Babies

I have this weird feeling that my husband wants this to be private even though he didn't say as much. But I need it off my chest.

He is babylusting BIG TIME. Yesterday in the car he told me "I feel like there is a baby boy waiting for us" and "well, it seems like the timing thing always works itself out."

OMG he is using all the classic babylusting-woman lines!

I am so so so conflicted about this. He loves his kids and wants more of them. I love my kids and well, I want more of them too, but I'm not feeling this NEED he's feeling. On the one hand, it would suck suck suck to have a kid during midwifery school, on the other, when WOULD it be good again? If I take a break immediately after school, wouldn't that make it harder to start up? If I wait until I'm established...well, that is a LONG time to ask a baby-lusting person to wait, and I'm worried about how well my body - which already had supreme difficulty handling pregnancy at the ripe old age of 24/25 - will hold up under another pregnancy if this is a 10-years-off kind of a thing.

In the meantime, he mopes every time I have my period as if it was another opportunity lost, another child never met...

And I feel really responsible for that. If he had his way we'd be pregnant RIGHT NOW. I mean, I don't feel like it is ALL ME but I do feel like I'm defying him somehow, like I'm the one demanding something. Like we're really not supposed to be done having babies and I'm the one being stubborn.

I've also lost an "out" in that I know my cycles and my body so well now that if I got pregnant it would be on purpose - there is no "letting go" or "seeing what happens" or "allowing fate to decide" or any of that bullshit. And it would take something drastic to make me decide that I wanted to conceive. Even though at my core, I am happy about the idea of having another baby. It just doesn't make SENSE.

I think my husband is hoping that against all odds, I get pregnant despite our strict policy of abstinence during anything even remotely resembling fertility.

*Sigh* I have no idea what to think about all of this. No idea.