Coffee, a Semi-Fond Farewell

I really should stop using coffee the way I do. I've not had this problem before, but lately it has been giving me jitters even when I consume only one cup in the morning. I have to give up morning coffee. How strange would that be? A classmate of mine had a really great suggestion for how to do it, too, and minimize that horrific headache...don't drink the coffee until you feel the headache coming on, and it will happen later and later each day until your body gets used to not having that scheduled dose.

What would I do with my coffee stockpile (about a three weeks supply with daily use), though? I suppose I'd go through it eventually, just using it for special occassions. I've had good luck using a french press when I get called at a jittery middle-of-the-night time for a birth. And sometimes a coffee in the afternoon (for a while this was also on the schedule for me, but I've eliminated that already) is just NICE. I think what I really want is for coffee to be NICE again, and not something I HAVE to do in order to function.

The final straw has been this week. I go to sleep with BittyPrincess (who is FINALLY sleeping a sane number of hours, if not what would be expected at her age - approximately 9) and the bigger two (who sleep slightly less) stay up with Fran to watch a show/movie. I wake up just before BittyPrincess, go brew coffee, and usually manage to sit down long enough to take a couple of sips before she wakes up. Depending on some unknown but highly detested variable, she wakes up with anything from "the world is sunshine rainbow pony happiness!" to "FUCK THIS WORLD AND ALL THE PEOPLE IN IT" going on. Regardless, the older two swiftly follow her into consciousness (or near-consciousness, whatever). They all wallow around in semi-awake states as I finish my coffee and they start eating and moving. Generally, before my brain starts really processing, they start arguing and fighting. Then the coffee hits and I get jittery, and they argue and fight, and the world is UNPLEASANT. And I can't think to go online and do any work, but I can't think to go out and do something with them, so we free-wheel and lose at least an hour every morning figuring ourselves out.

I don't HAVE an hour (and more) every morning to be miserable and disorganized. And the coffee, which used to help, is now hurting.

So, I say my reluctant goodbye to my morning coffee. The thought almost makes me cry. I'm so attached to it. AH, morning coffee, you've been good to me, all these years. I've been with you almost as long as I've been with my husband. But our relationship has become dysfunctional. I need a separation. We can still see each other occassionally...I just need some space. *Cry* I'm sorry, brain, that I need to upset your balance like this. But it just isn't working anymore. *Sob* goodbye, morning coffee. I will miss you.

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BittyPrincess

I know you missed me while I was in clinic all day. But really, I could live without you plastering yourself violently to my neck all evening. Really. I could.

15-year-old me

Morag tagged me...

So here goes.

15 year old me,

Please just clean your damn room. That shit is disgusting. It's not really that hard. Seriously, you're embarrassing me already.

Your parents are trying really really hard right now and working their asses off. Yes, you're missing a lot. There has to be a better way to communicate that than screaming "I hate babysitting!" at your mom. I don't think she really understands you when you do that.

That boy...you know the one...just talk to him. At your graduation he'll hug you and thank you for talking to him when he needed help, and you'll feel like an ass for missing out on a friend just because you felt awkward.

Just invite computer-room-guy to work out with you. It's what he's hinting at, really. He's just scared to look pathetic. You know it would be good to have a workout buddy. Your friends are being silly not wanting to bother working out.

Don't be an insecure ass when you get to the dorms. They like you. Don't make other people do all the work all the time; you'll live without the constant validation of having someone ASK you to come/go/do/be, and you'll have more fun that way, too.

Those good study skills you have now? Write a book or something, seriously. You make it look effortless.

Don't feel bad about not joining the student organizations and study groups and all that stuff you figured was for losers. It was. You made the right choice.

Ditch the asshole church and don't look back when they start playing games with you. Their happiness is not your responsibility, and they won't give a shit once you leave, anyway. It feels like they matter so much to you right now, and you're still having fun even though it's getting weird. But their support is conditional, and you don't need that shit. If you wait until you are 20 you will bring half the congregation with you...but they'll leave in their own time if you leave as soon as it starts getting bad. You'll all go your separate ways, any way you slice it.

From here until 19 is the best you'll ever look...use your powers for good. And no, distracting the computer nerds while you program twice as fast as them is not "good."

Alright, if you must...at least gather yourself some self-esteem while you're at it. You rock. Even in the eyes of other people. You just don't know it yet because everybody is scared to tell you; that they'll let you know later, when it doesn't matter anymore.

Talk to your grandma. She wants you to call, and to visit. Once you move to WI, she'll want to see/talk to you more. Take her up on it. She's not going to be that witty forever, and in another decade, she won't even know who you are. Right now, she's got a lot she can tell you, and you might miss it if you brush her off.

What you are good at now and what you are good at/passionate about later are going to be different things, and you'll feel lost for a while. It will be OK. You'll find your ground again.

I tag Lory, Marie, and Danelle. I think technically it is "what message would you give 15 year old you" and I went a little overboard. My message would be more like "chin up, girl, you rock."