Don't Hit Me!

Yes, this entry is in honor of my middle child and his new, most-unadorable-yet, mommy-embarrassing habit. I am not sure why he feels the need to shout this phrase pathetically (and yes, at top volume) any time he is corrected in public, especially considering the great lengths I've taken to keep my not-so-hard-to-trigger self from hitting him any more than I have to, but there it is. He does it. And oh, the embarrassment that this causes me.

Oh yes, this is worse than the week we spent with me constantly whispering "hands out of your pants" while we were out and about.

And it trumps by far the most embarrassing oldest-child behavior, which has been nosepicking. Ew, yes, dissolving mommy's will to live right on the spot, no.

It is not just that he says it in public. Oh no, that is not enough to embarrass me. I've been a mom for over 6 years, if my skin was any thicker I could sell skin grafts to tire companies. It is that apparently, anybody but our immediate family is eligible for this particular performance. My MIL, aunts and uncles, you know, all those people you see just often enough to have to deal with all the time, but not often enough that they'd know you don't ACTUALLY hit your son. And hey, while he's cowering and shouting "don't hit me!" in his most pathetic almost-wavering voice, am I really supposed to turn around and say "oh, he's just trying to get back at me, I don't *really* hit him"?

So I did something new to me yesterday; I didn't even bother TRYING to explain myself. I called him up to the patio at a family party (he'd hit his sister with a stick...repeatedly...because apparently she had the better stick and he wanted it...) and as he approached and saw my anger, the performance began. "Don't hit me....don't HIT meeeeeeee....mommy, mommy, mommy, don't HIT me!!!!!"

I picked him up, stuck him on the other side of the screen door, told him I'd talk to him when he quieted down, and resumed my conversation with a rather stunned bunch of my elders. After all, what could I have said that didn't sound, well, worlds beyond lame? And maybe, just maybe, the fact that it didn't seem to work this time (we didn't revert instantly to soothing) means that he'll abandon this particular behavior.

I do not have high hopes. I think they have a mommy embarrassment meter somewhere in their little systems and that yes, this was once again a win. I have this weird feeling that on some internal barometer, he's registered a get-back-at-mommy victory and I'm totally, completely out of luck.

What I wouldn't give for a mind control laser some days...