Thursday, June 29, 2006

Self Images

So the lovely ~L~ pointed out to me that I've got quite the self-depricating tone going on in my blog. So I read through it, and fuckit, it's true! I do sound like I hate myself or something!

So I am going to take this opportunity to say...


In the last couple of years all the real insecurities in my life have fallen back. It is not that, at 26, I am out of my youth and have found the stability of age. It is that the last chunk of true insecurity fell away when I managed to find friends here in Washington that were not, in any way, forced to be with me, near me, or in the same general region as me. As I've slowly grown into myself, my shyness is dissappearing. I went to the interview for SMS and I wasn't even really nervous. I have met with doula clients and not felt anxious. It is like a big hurdle has fallen away as I've been more able to see people as people and not worry so damn much about what they think of me. Because honestly, if they're looking at me and trying to pick apart my imperfections, I don't really want to know them anyway. And if it is in a doula/client relationship, I don't want them to think I'm perfect, either. A human being is so much easier to deal with when she's a human being. I'm no goddess, you know, and it benefits the both of us if you know that one right off the bat. It also behooves you to know that my self-worth is no longer wrapped up in what people think of me. Strangely enough it took having new friends in a new place for me to get to that point. Just knowing that SOMEONE likes me of their own volition is enough for me; if everyone else in the world thinks I'm a damn fool, it's their loss.

So back to the blog and all; it isn't that I hate myself. It is that it is so much more entertaining to talk about the wood-drying-rack fiasco than about the time the drill, the rulers, and the screws all lined up correctly and made neat little hanging shelves on my bedroom wall.

The kids are awesome too. Love them to bits. It is just so much more interesting to talk about the time bebegirliness broke two dozen eggs on the floor of Safeway than about the time she spent two hours communing with the dandelions and bringing them to me to 'smell'.

So I suppose that the point of this post is to counterpoint all the ranting and venting that is all over most of the other posts. Enjoy the ranting and venting and depricating and all that, knowing that I love me, I love my husband, and I love my kids :). Enjoy it without guilt or sorry-for-the-kids-that-are-stuck-with-me feelings. Go, enjoy nonguiltily the ongoing fiasco that is my life.


~L~ said...

um. You're not a goddess??

I must go huddle in a corner somewhere and mumble while I figure out the travesty that my life has suddenly become.

*d* said...

I love me too. :)

~A~ said...

Don't listen to L she doesn't quiet get it all the time.

I though, get it. It is much more fun to poke at our tragedies than share the mundane everydayness.

For example, I can post about the lovey rows of corn in my garden.


How dumbass me sat here reading your underpants and forgot about the chicken in the oven till I smelled the black smoke.

Which is more fun to read?

Hunh? Hunh?

Yeah, burnt chicken.

But I love me too, because my f*ck ups are so damn funny!