Tuesday, August 15, 2006

And Then Daddy Died...

This seems a recurring theme in the kids' make-believe play of late. It bothers me for two big reasons (as well as the, er, general unsettlingness of the kids pretending someone is dying outside the context of dealing with anyone we know of dying...).

1) The play almost always centers around mama-reads-book-to-baby, daddy-goes-off-battles-dragon-and-dies. Gender stereotypes much?

2) I've been dwelling in my own little way on the probability of Fran dying before I do just because he is darned unhealthy and has family history working against him. He's nearing 30, the age when people just mysteriously keel over with the "OMG I can't believe he had a heart attack, he's only 30!" except, well, we can't say it was unforseen for him. His dad had one in HIS early 30s. And while the kids get to jump up and head off for round 2, I might not get that. The thought of raising these kids without him is completely terrifying, but I keep poking at the idea with my brain, as if it were some sort of wound I needed to examine thoroughly to determine just how bad it is. "If Fran were to die tomorrow," says my brain, "it would be for Naomi like a bad joke gone on far too long: cut it out already and just give me my dada!" These thoughts HURT me physically but are difficult to banish, particularly with the kids playing "and then daddy died" every couple of hours.

*Sigh* this is a real downer of a post, I know. Nobody wants to think about their husband dying, right? To wonder about whether they even COULD keep it somewhat together for their kids if it happened. But these are the thoughts rolling around in my head and I want them out.


~L~ said...

If it makes you feel better, I thik all SAHM think this way. Like it or not, SAHM are absolutely dependent on one man for their well being and that of their children. It's a fact. Life, especially for those of us trying to live it purposefully, would change far more violently than just crying in the dark for a missing loved one.

You (we) could lose everything.

This would be a good RT post.

~A~ said...

It's something I'm forced to think about every day My Honey walks out the door. He was in a situation a few years ago when the thought was really thrown in my face and I can't seem to get over it.

I've gone through every scenario to imagine how I would react and it all comes down to me shutting down completely.

This would be a good RT post. xoxo