I thought, yesterday as I went in to clinic, that I'd just do a quick couple of visits and leave in time to see my Fran off to work (starts at 1pm). I sweated my way through clinic; in Washington the temp was over 100 yesterday, which is truly exceptional here, and the clinic building (typical for Washington) has no A/C and was, effectively, a solar oven. I walked out to the car thankful to be gone during the hottest portions of the day.
And it didn't start.
Crap, crap, crapcrapcrap.
As I sweatingly encouraged the car to start *with the force of my will and strong words* I got several offers of "I don't know what I'm doing but can I help?" which were of course not helpful, and which caused in me an irrational hatred (I said it was irrational) of those not-terribly-helpful people and their terribly-functional car A/Cs.
What else could I do? I called my man to help. That's what we get married for, right ladies? Kinda?
He got to the clinic at about the time he was supposed to get to work, all three kids in tow. He succeeded in starting the car, which ran limpingly (and stinkingly) in the parking lot, and as we were about to caravan our way to the mechanic, the office manager ran out "[client] is pushing! [midwife] is coming, be ready to jump in her car!"
Of COURSE after a week without a birth *this* would be the moment!
I left my husband with the car problem, the kid problem (erm, they're in a parking lot at 105 degrees, and I can't even say it was a dry heat), and the not-at-work problem, and ran off...we figured there would be a baby, I'd be gone 3 hours total (how long it takes to catch a baby, monitor everyone for complications, clean up, and leave), so maybe they could just wait for me?
Our mama/client/patient was not pushing when we arrived. She is a wonderful, wonderful person, and I don't hold that the least bit against her. It was just inconvenient.
She birthed in a home in the shade, which was about 20 degrees cooler than the clinic building for most of the day. That bit was at least a little convenient.
In the meantime, my family went to several air conditioned establishments in the Olympia area, spent too much money on purpose (which my husband tells me was a twisted act of passive-aggressiveness) - too much money being $50 all day, at this point.
To make a painfully long story short, they spent 10 hours in Olympia, a baby was born healthy if a wee bit early, Fran got the car running AGAIN as I came back to the clinic, and we dropped the car off at the mechanic's shop at the bright and early hour of 11:15 pm.
So, a few words of not-explanation?
I don't know what to do with this blog anymore. I wrote a lot when I was staying at home and writing kid-foibles. I wrote a lot when I was in Vanuatu, and had no need to worry about anonymity.
Last week I went to three births in 24 hours. Which is something to write about, except that it isn't. They aren't my stories to tell. They are significant in my life, yes, but in many ways it has transitioned into being what I do. It feels odd to say it, but birth is my work, and you wouldn't write about the minutiae of your work day either. The interesting bits aren't mine to tell, and (darn those federal privacy laws - kidding, really, it's an ethics thing) this isn't a protected space to talk about anything that could identify anyone, which in my community is pretty much anything at all.
I am tired of being broke, and ready to stop being a student. That much hasn't changed.
Approaching licensing, I feel anxiety. My preceptors believe I am ready for independent practice. I know that I can handle independent practice, and yet, I'm scared of that responsibility. In that way, being a student is a sweet deal; there are some people that are more my clients than my midwives', but if I did something wrong they'd be there to either catch it or take the blame. Not that I do wrong things, just that there's a safety net there that I'll be going without shortly.
I also feel anxiety about starting up my practice and money. I've been whining about money a lot, I know. We are at a place we've never been before, without enough money to pay our monthly expenses and at the end of our credit limits on our credit cards, scrambling to figure out how much we can charge on which cards to pay whatever car repair expense we need to pay. And starting up a business costs money. A medical business more than most; I have equipment to buy, yes, but I also have malpractice insurance to buy and in this state, you pay for a year in advance...and I don't have that money. I'm taking this thing one step at a time, because I can't just make money appear so I can't do anything differently. At the end of my student time, I'll probably need to find paying work that isn't my profession, so that I can make enough money to start up. Which is galling, because once I start up I'll have money. Business loans are next to impossible to get when you make what we do and have as much debt as we do. Funny how your school loans count against you for that.
I didn't mean to start whining about money again, but there it was. I know a few people who are students are reading this. Hopefully in a year my song will be different. Right now things are difficult. I'm not burnt out on midwifery, I'm not soul-dead from my student-hood...but things are difficult in this transition time.